-
A Singh died and went to heaven.
When he got to the pearly gate Saint Peter told him that new
rules here in effect due to the advances in education on earth.
In order to gain admittance a prospective heavenly soul must an
swer two questions:
1. Name two days of the week
that begin with "T".
2. How many seconds are there
in a year?
The Singh thought for a few
minutes and answered...
1. The two days of the week
that begin with "T" are Today and Tomorrow.
2. There are 12 seconds in a
year. Saint Peter said, "OK, Ill buy the Today and Tomorrow
answer, even though its not the answer I expected.
But how did you get 12 seconds
in a year?" The Singh replied, "Well, January 2nd,
February 2nd, March 2nd, etc..." Saint Peter opens the gate
without another word.
-
Santa and a lawyer are seated next
to each other on a flight from Patiyala to New Delhi. The lawyer
asks if he would like to play a fun game. Santa, tired, just
wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to
the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and
explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He says,
"I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer,
you pay me fifty rupees, and vice versa." Again, Santa
declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says,
"Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me Rs. 50, and
if I don't know the answer, I will pay you Rs. 5000." This
catches Santa's attention and, figuring there will be no end to
this torment, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first
question: "What's the distance from the earth to the
moon?" Santa doesn't say a word, reaches into his purse,
pulls out a Rs. 50 bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
"Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn." Santa
asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes back
with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop
computer and searches all his references ... no answer.
He taps into the air phone with
his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress
... no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends
and coworkers but to no avail. After an hour, he wakes Santa and
hands him Rs. 5000. Santa thanks him and turns back to get some
more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, stirs
Santa and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a
word, Santa reaches into his purse, hands the lawyer Rs. 50, and
goes back to sleep. And you thought Sardars were dumb.
-
A porter loaded down with
suitcases followed Mr. & Mrs. Santa to the airline check-in
counter. As they approached the line, the husband glanced at the
pile of luggage and said to the wife, "Why didn't you bring
the piano, too?" "Are you trying to be funny?"
she replied. "No, I really wish you had" he sighed.
"I left the tickets on it."
-
NASA was getting ready to launch a
very important
space shuttle. The scientists and engineers checked
and
double checked everything to make sure that things
are fine.
However, on the day of our launch, something seemed
to be wrong. The rocket gave all sorts of noise but
never
took off even an inch from the ground. The
engineers were
puzzled because they could not figure out the
problem.
Finally, there was an Sardar who offered
to help. They NASA people were desperate by that
time and
agreed to do anything.
"Tilt the rocket 45 degrees to the right" said the
Indian scientist. The engineers were puzzled but
did it anyway.
"Bring it back to vertical position" the Sardar
said.
The engineers did.
"Now start the engines" he said. And surprise, the
rocket took off and flew into outer space!
Everybody congratulated him and asked him how he knew
what to do. He replied -
"It is very simple. This is what we always do with our
Bajaj scooters in India".
-
Sardarji is trying to commit
suicide on the railway tracks
and he takes along some
wine and chicken with him. Somebody stops
him and asks "kyon
bhai, ye sab kyon leke baithe ho?" (Why
do you take these things
with you?).
Sardarji replies "Saali
train late aati hai kahin bhook se na
marjaun" (If the stupid
train comes late, I will die of hunger!)
-
Hello Mr. Clinton," a heavily accented voice says.
"This is Santa Singh down in Chandigadh, Punjab. I am
ringing to inform you that I am officially declaring war on
you!"
"Well, Santa Singh," Bill replies, "This indeed is important
news! Tell me, how big is your army?"
"At this moment in time," says Santa Singh after a moments
calculation, "There is myself, my cousin Banta Singh, my
next door neighbour Gurjinder and the entire Kabbadi team
from the Village. That makes 8!"
Bill sighs and says, "I must tell you Santa Singh that I
have 1million men in my army waiting to move on my word."
"OK," says Santa Singh. "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, the next day Santa Singh calls back. "Right Mr.
Clinton, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire
some equipment!"
"What equipment would that be, Santa Singh?" Bill asks.
"Well, we have 2 combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Gill's
tractor from the farm." Once more Bill sighs and says, "I
must tell you Santa Singh that I have 50,000 tanks, 2000
mine layers,10,000 armored cars and my army has increased to
1 and a half million since we last spoke." "I'll be dogged!"
says Santa Singh. "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, Santa Singh calls again the next day."Right Mr.
Clinton, the war is still on! We have managed to get
ourselves airborne! We've gotten out old Govind's crop
sprayer with a couple of rifles in the cockpit and the
Hockey team has joined us as well!"
Once more Bill sighs and says "I must tell you Santa Singh
that I have 4000 bombers and 8000 high maneuverability
attack planes and my military installations are surrounded
by laser guided surface to air missiles and since we last
spoke, my army has increased to 2 million."
"Oh cripes," says Santa Singh. "I'll have to ring you back."
Santa Singh calls again the next day. "Right Mr. Clinton, I
am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."
"I'm very happy to hear that," says Bill. "Why the sudden
change of heart?"
"Well," says Santa Singh, "We've all had a chat and to be
sure, there's no way we can cope with 2 million prisoners of war."
-
Q: Why is the sardar standing at
the doorway of the exam hall in this underpants?
A: Coz he is giving the 'entrance exam' where instructions are
'answer in brief'.
-
A Sardar took an
answering machine home and fixed it
home somewhere in Rajasthan,but two days
later disconnected it
because he was getting complaints like "Saala
phone utha ke
bolta hai ghar pe nahin hai" (Idiot! He's
taking the phone and
saying he's not there.)
-
Banta Singh, wanting to rob State
Bank of Patiala, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz
a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." on the back of a
deposit slip. While standing in line, waiting to give his note
to the teller, he began to worry that some-one had seen him
write the note and might call the police before he reached the
teller window. So he left the bank and crossed the street to
State Bank of India. After waiting a few minutes in line, he
handed his note to the SBI teller. She read it and, surmising
from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in
the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note
because it was written on a State Bank of Patiala deposit slip
and that he would either have to fill out a State Bank of India
deposit slip or go back to State Bank of Patiala. Looking
somewhat defeated, Banta said "OK" and left. The SBI
teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes
later, as he was waiting in line back at State Bank of Patiala.
-
Santa Singh was traveling in a
crowded bus. He was carrying the passport size photograph of his
son (for college admission). Accidently,the photograph fell down
from his pocket.He started searching for it frantically &
found it on the floor, below the ends of a woman's saree. He
asked her "Can you lift that saree? I wanna take a
photograph"
The rest is history.
He was beaten so badly that he
had to be admitted to hospital. He was surprised to see Banta
Singh on the bed next to him,in a worse condition. Banta
explained what happened to him He had gone to a remote
village to work. He finished late and missed the last bus. He
couldn't find any hotel. So he approached a nearby house and
asked the Owner whether he can stay there for the night. The
Owner replied" I have 2 grown up daughters. Sorry, I can't
allow you to stay".
He approached the next house and asked whether he can stay
there for the night. The Owner replied," I have
3 grown up daughters. Sorry, I can't allow you to
stay".
He went to the next house and asked:" Do you have
"grown up"
Daughters?". The Owner asked,
"WHY?????????" Banta replied," I wanted
to stay here for a night....."
The rest is history.
¡@
-
Sardar Gurbachan Singh is
appearing for his University
final examination. He takes his seat in the examination
hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and
then in a fit of inspiration takes his shoes off and
throws them out of the window. He then removes his
turban and throws it away as well. His shirt, pant, socks and
watch follow suit. The invigilator, alarmed, approaches him and
asks what
is going on.
Oye, I am only following the instructions
- 'Answer in
brief'.
-
Santa's ferrari
Santa singh shows up at his friend Banta Singh's Place in a
Brand New - Red Ferarri.
Banta: Wow Banta, ke gaddi hai (What a car)Kithon laiye (where
did you get it from)
Santa:Main highway te lift mung reha se ... Gori Mem aaee te
meine kende "want a ride Mr. Singh" I hopped in, and
she took me to the woods. Once in woods she got outside took off
clothes and said to me "Mr Singh. take anything"
Banta is quite excited and asks "tu ke keeta Santa "
Santa: Mian gaddi lai layee. (I took the car)
Banta: Changa keeta kapde tenu fit bhi nahi aane se (good
showyou wouldn't have fit into her clothes)
-
Cousin Banta
Jallandhar
Dear Banta,
I'm writing this real
slow cause I know you can't read very fast. We
don't live where we did when you left. We read in the
paper that most accidents
happen within 10 miles of home, so we moved.
I won't be able to
send you our new address cause the last family that
lived here took the house numbers with them so they wouldn't
have to change
their address.
This place has a
washing machine. The first day mama put four shirts
in, pulled the chain and we have not seen them since.
Its only rained here
twice this week. Three days the first time and
five days the second time.
I know its cold where
you are so we're sending you a coat. Ma said it
would be too heavy to mail with them buttons on it, so we cut
them off and put
them in the pockets.
We got a letter from
the funeral home. They said if we don't make the
last payment on grandma's funeral bill, up she comes!
My sister had a baby
this morning. I haven't heard whether it's a boy
or a girl, so I don't know if I'm an uncle or an aunt.
Uncle Balbir fell in
the big whiskey vat. When they tried to pull him
out, he fought them off, so he drowned. We cremated him and he
burned for
three days.
Cousin Santa
Ludhiana.
P.S : I was planning to enclose the money that I owe you with
this envelope,
but I had already sealed this by then.
-
The doctor told Sardarji that if
he ran eight kilometers a day for 300 days, he would
lose 34 kilos. At the end of 300 days, Sardarji called the
doctor to report he had lost the weight,
but he had a problem.
"What's the problem?"
asked the doctor.
-
There was once a competition
involving three gruelling tests. The participants had to do the
following in immediate succession:
1.) Drink five bottles of hard
whiskey in one go
2) Enter a room where there was
a starving lion and pluck out its eyes with bare hands.
3) And then screw a very horny
babe to her full satisfaction.
Many people bravely tried their
hands (or should I say mouths) at it. Few could get beyond the
first stage. And the inebriated few who managed it, got promptly
eaten up by the starving lion. There was none who could read the
third stage.
And then, one fine day, a
nonchalant Sardar walked into the contest. Five bottles of
whiskey were nothing for him. He emptied five bottles in five
gulps. Then he said, "Bhale change hai hum, thagde hai.
Bathao, lion kahan hai." When shown the room, he coolly
walked in. There was no hint of fear on his face, but rather the
cool confidence of a person who knew he could do it.
Sounds of a mammoth fight came
from the room. Screams of the Sardar and growls of the lion were
intermingled. Thumps and thuds which shook the very earth
ensued. All of a sudden there was a piercing, heart-rending roar
from the Lion. The audience waited with bated breath, their hair
stood on end. And then, as suddenly as it had begun, the titanic
roar stopped. An eerie silence prevailed.
As the audience watched, with
eyes popping out, the door of the room opened, and out came the
Sardar. Badly bruised, with blood streaming from his face, hands
and legs, he stumbled out - victorious, nevertheless. His face
had the glow of satisfaction of an emperor who had just won a
battle.
And then he asked, "Where
is the woman whose eyes I have to pluck out?"
- ¡@
-
Then there were two sardars, Zail
singh & Jarnail singh.
Both of them bought a horse each.
"How will we know which
is your & which is mine?" asked Zail.
"Easy"replied Jarnail.
"I'll cut mine's tail,yours will be the one with tail"
This was heard by a few boys ,they cut the other's tail too.
Next morning the confusion continued.
"Don't worry "retorted Jarnail.
"I'll tie a bell around its neck, yours will be the one
without
the bell."
The boys heard this also & cut the bell.
The next day, Zail got frustrated & said
"Okay now the last criterion,
white will be yours & black will be mine."
-
Mr.Thadani, a middle-aged Sindhi,
is on a plane for Hongkong, in a window seat.
Just before take-off, this HUGE Sardar wearing a beautiful suit
walks up and sits down beside him.
A few minutes later, the plane takes off.
All is well For a while.
But then, Mr.Thadani realizes that he has to go to the washroom.
That wouldn't be a problem,but he looks over and notices that
the Sardar beside him is sound asleep, and Mr.Thadani, being a
meek man is afraid to disturb him.
So he figures he'll hold it in till Sardarji wakes up.
But as luck would have it, the Sardar just keeps snoring away,
and Mr. Thadani is feeling increasingly more uncomfortable.
After a while, he starts to feel nauseous as well, what from
holding it in combined with the plane ride.
He tries and tries to hold it in, but then "AAARRGGHH!!"--he
throws up all over the Sardar and his beautiful suit.
He thinks, "Oh, no! Now he's gonna kill me!" and sits
there in apprehension waiting for the Sardar to wake up.
Finally, the Sardar wakes up, and finds all this vomit all over
him. Mr. Thadani says to him, "Well, do you fell better
now?"
-
Santa and a lawyer are seated next
to each other on a flight from Patiyala to New Delhi. The lawyer
asks if he would like to play a fun game. Santa, tired, just
wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to
the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and
explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He says,
"I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer,
you pay me fifty rupees, and vice versa."
Again, Santa declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer,
now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer,
you pay me Rs. 50, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay
you Rs. 5000."
This catches Santa's attention and, figuring there will be no
end to this torment, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the
first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the
moon?"
Santa doesn't say a word, reaches into his purse, pulls out a Rs.
50 bill, and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay," says the
lawyer, "your turn." Santa asks, "What goes up a
hill with three legs and comes back with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches
all his references ... no answer. He taps into the air phone
with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of
Congress ... no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his
friends and coworkers but to no avail. After an hour,
he wakes Santa and hands him Rs. 5000. Santa thanks him and
turns back to
get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little
miffed, stirs Santa and asks, "Well, what's the
answer?"
Without a word, Santa reaches into his purse, hands the lawyer
Rs. 50, and goes back to sleep. And you thought Sardars were
dumb.
-
A Sardarji finds himself in dire
trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious
financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask
Bhagwan for help. He goes into the temple and begins to pray.
"Oh Bhagwan, please help me, I've lost my business and if I
don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please
let me win the lotto". Lotto night comes and somebody else
wins it.
The Sardarji goes back to the synagogue. "Bhagwan, please
let me win the lotto, I've lost my business, my house and I'm
going to lose my car as well". Lotto night comes and the
Sardarji still has no luck!!
Back to the temple... "My Bhagwan, why have you forsaken
me?? I've lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and
children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have
always been a good servant to you. Why won't you just let me win
the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in
order???".
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the sky parts
open and the Sardarhi is confronted by the voice of the God:
"SARDARJI, MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS ONE, BUY A DAMN
TICKET".
-
What do SMART Sardars and UFO's have in common?
You always hear about them but never see them.
-
Why did the Sardars stare at the can of frozen orange
juice?
Because it said concentrate.
Oh look, Daddy...Donut seeds.
-
Why do Sardars always smile during lightning storms?
They think their picture is being taken.
-
How can you tell when a Sardars sends you a fax?
It has a stamp on it.
-
Why can't Sardars dial 911?
They can't find the 11 on the phone!
- A letter from a Sikh patient to
his family doctor:
Hi Doc,
As you know, when I first got married 11 years ago, me and
my wife
came to see you to consult on family planning. We do not
plan to have kids
and we asked you for advise. You told us to try birth
CONTROL methods.
Tried as hard as I can, I couldn't help controlling myself
from
ejaculating and my wife got pregnant.
So we got our first child.
You then advised us to try ORAL contraceptives before sex.
We did
and yet my wife got pregnant. I failed to see how licking
and sucking each
other before sex can prevent her from getting pregnant!
After the birth of our second child, we went to see you
again for
advice. You told us my wife has to be ON the PILL and she
did. Yet a few
weeks later, we found out she was pregnant. I failed then to
see how
lying on top of the pill while having sex can prevent her
from getting pregnant.
After the birth of our third child, we came to see you
again. You
told her to TAKE IN the PILL before sex this time. She did
as you said and
yet she got pregnant. I failed to see, even as we enjoyed
it, how putting
the pill in her you-know-where before sex can prevent her
from getting
pregnant.
After the birth of our fourth child, you told us to try the
RHYTHM
method and we followed strictly as you prescribed. It was
very tough but
somehow we managed. Yet my wife got pregnant again. I failed
to see how
dancing
the rumba, cha-cha and the tango while having sex can help
to prevent
her from getting pregnant. So we got our fifth child.
You then suggested I put on condoms before sex. You even
taught me
how to put them on. Yet, my wife got pregnant again. I
simply don't understand
how putting French caps on my index finger as you taught me
can prevent
her from getting pregnant. My sixth child was a boy.
You then told me that I should have put the French caps on
my
"head" instead. We tried that too, and I nearly
died of suffocation. I
realized now which sane man would want to belief that
putting condoms over your
head while having sex would prevent your wife from getting
pregnant,
even though it nearly succeeded. So our seventh child was
born.
We went to see you again. You advised us to CHANGE methods.
We did,
and yet my wife got pregnant and she had our eighth child. I
failed to see how changing from the normal missionary method
to the doggie-style and
other methods can prevent her from getting pregnant.
Next you advised us to practice TOTAL ABSTINENCE. We
strictly abstained
from taking all foods and liquids before sex until we were
so weak and exhausted.
Yet we got our ninth child 9 months later.
You then advised us to try the ALTERNATE methods of birth
control.
We did that too, and yet my wife got pregnant. I failed to
understand how
having sex on alternate days and on alternate sides can
prevent her from getting pregnant. My wife cried on the
alternate days which made me
alternate from being very happy to very sad. My tenth child
was just born yesterday.
Dear Doctor,
I no longer believe in you and your birth control methods.
I have seen a lawyer and I'll be suing you for giving us
false advise.
You'll be hearing from my lawyers soon ...
No thanks to you !!!!!
- BEPPO SINGH QUEUING BEHIND HIS FRIEND AT AN ATM
MACHINE. Friend: What are you looking at? Beppo Singh: I know your PIN no.,
hee, hee. Friend: Alright, what is my PIN no. if
you saw it? Beppo Singh: four
asterisks!
- There were 2 surd, both of
them were good hunters, one of them Mr.Daka Singh killed
only lions & tigers, and one Mr. Laka Singh killed only
deers. Once they both met.
Laka Singh asked Daka Singh how is that you only kill lions
& tigers and I kill only deers. Tell me the trick. He
told him just go to a cave and imitate the noise of a sheep the lion comes out of the
cave and shoot him then that
quite easy. After 2 months daka singh got the news that Laka Singh was in the
hospital on questioning him he exclaimed I did the same thing
you told me. I just outside a big
cave and imitated the noise of
a sheep but I did not know that deccan queen was coming out from the cave.
- After making a trip of South
India , Santa Singh ,his wife and his son were returning to
punjab in Tamilnadu Express. Santa Singh was occupying the
lower berth, his wife the
middle berth and his son the top most berth in the train. When the train stopped at one
of the stations on the way
back the son requested Santa Singh to bring him a cup of Ice cream to which Santa
readily agreed. When Santa and his
son returned they found that a
South Indian who couldn't understand hindi had occupied his son's birth . Outraged,
Santa Singh called the TT and
asked him to help. TT requested that he could not understand Hindi/Punjabi
so it would be better if Santa
Singh explained the whole
situation to him in English. Santa Singh explained , " That man sleeping on top of my
wife is not giving birth to my
child."
- One Sardar was enjoying Sun
on a Beach in America. A lady came and asked him, " Are
you relaxing" Sardar answered '" No I am Banta
Singh" Another Guy Came and asked the same Question.
Sardar answered " No No Me Banta Singh" Third one
came and asked the same question Sardar was totally annoyed
and decided to shift his place. While walking he saw another
Sardar enjoying the Beach. He went and asked him " Are
you Relaxing?" The other Sardar was much educated and
answered "Yes I am relaxing " Our Sardar slapped
him on his face and said, "Salay, Sab tere Ko wahah
doond rahe hai aur tu Yahaan Aaram Kar raha hai."
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