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- A guy walks into a bar and
orders a triple scotch whiskey. The bartender
pours him the drink and says, "That's quite a heavy drink.
What's wrong?"
After downing his drink, the guy says, "I got home and
found my wife in bed
with my best friend."
"Wow" says the bartender, pouring the man a second
triple scotch. "No wonder
you needed a stiff drink. The second triple is on the
house." As the man
downs his second triple scotch, the bartender asks him,
"What did you do?"
The guy says, "I walked over to my wife, looked her
straight in the eye and
told her that we were through and to get the hell out."
The bartender says, "That makes sense -- but what about
your best friend?"
The guy says, "I walked over to him, looked him right in
the eye and said...
'BAD DOG!'"
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- When I was younger I hated going
to weddings ... it seemed that all of my
aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking
me in the
ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.'
They stopped that stuff after I started doing the same thing to
them at
funerals
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- A couple made a deal that who
ever died first would come back and inform the
other of the after life.
The woman's biggest fear was that there was no heaven.
After a long life the husband was the first to go and true to
his word he
made contact.
"Mary... Mary.... "
"Is that you Fred?"
"Yes, I have come back like we agreed."
"What is it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have
breakfast, I have sex, I
bathe in the sun, then I have sex-twice, I have lunch, then sex
pretty much
all afternoon - supper - then sex till late at night, sleep,
then start all
over again."
"Oh Fred you surely must be in heaven."
"Hell no, I'm a rabbit in Kansas."
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- A man goes to a doctor to get
these horrible headaches treated. After
examining the man the doctor tells him that the only way to get
rid of his
headaches is to get his testicles cut off because they are
pressing against
his spinal chord. Very distraught, the man agrees that anything
is better
than the headaches.
Four weeks later, after a successful operation and recovery, the
man feels
physically great, but depressed, so he decides to do something
that will
make him feel better. He chooses to buy some designer suits that
will boost
his morale and his image.
He goes downtown to a high dollar men's shop, and as he's
looking around, a
salesman asks him if he's in the market for a designer suit or
two. And the
man is surprised, but he nods and the salesman says, I'm sure
you'll like
this new line we just got. You probably wear size 32"-
29" slacks, jacket
size 42 long and shirt size 16 34-35.
The man is dumbfounded, and he asks, how did you know that? The
sales man
says, I do this for a living, it's my job. Then the salesman
says, I can
tell that you like blue, and that you have a preference for
pinstripes. The
man is totally surprised and says, Well yes, that is all
absolutely correct!
How could you know all that? And the salesman just says, well,
it's my job
to know, I'm a professional.
So the man tries the suit that the salesman picked, and sure
enough it fits
like a glove and he loves the color and the fabric. The man
says, you are
something else! You picked exactly what I wanted and it couldn't
fit better!
The salesman then says, how about some shoes? I can tell that
you wear a 9 ?
AA shoe, and you prefer black wingtips. The man is just amazed
by now. How
could you possibly know those things? And the salesman tells him
that he's
just doing his job. He tries the shoes on and they look and fit
great.
The man is feeling very good by now and he says, now all I need
is some
underwear. So the salesman says, sure, you wear size 32 boxer
style
underwear, and the man then says, NO! I got you! I've been
wearing size 28
brief style underwear for the past 20 years! And the salesman
says, well I
would really advise you not to do that. You can get some wicked
headaches
that way.
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- The blind man was out walking
with his Seeing Eye dog when suddenly the
animal paused and wet the man's leg. Bending down, the blind man
stretched
out his hand and patted the dog's head.
Having watched what happened, a passerby said, "Say, why
are you patting
him? That dog just peed on your leg!"
"I know," said the blind man, "but I gotta find
his head before I can kick
his butt."
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- A group of guys and one girl are
sitting together at a ball game.
During the game the guys notice the girl knew just as much
about the game as themselves, and are really impressed. After
the game they ask her, "How is it that you know so much
about baseball?"
She says, "Well, I used to be a guy and got a sex
change."
The guys are amazed, but very curious about the process.
"What was the most painful part of the process? Was it when
they cut IT off?"
"That was very painful, but was not the most painful
part."
"Was it when they cut off your balls?"
"That was very painful, but was not the most painful
part."
"What was the most painful part?"
"The part that hurt the most was when they cut my salary in
half!"
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- Three men are applying for a job
at the CIA. The first is thirty years old
married for tens years, the second is forty years old married
for twenty
years and the third is fifty years old and married for thirty
years.
The 30 year old is first and is told by the interviewer in order
to become a
member of the CIA you must take this gun and go into this room
and shoot
your wife. Well, he comes out of the room a half hour later and
gives the
man back the gun saying the job wasn't worth it and he just
couldn't shoot
his wife...
The 40 year old is next to take the gun into the room with
"his" wife. One
hour later he comes out crying, sobbing that he really needs
this job, but
dammit, I just can't kill my wife. With that he throws the gun
on the floor
and storms out of the room.....
The 50 year old is next. He takes the gun into the room with his
wife. After
about an hour and a half, all of a sudden there is the sound of
six gunshots
and then the sound of chairs flying and other loud noises. The
man comes out
of the room looking like hell. With large scratch marks on his
face and
chest and barely able to catch his breath.
"Well," says the interviewer, "what the hell
happened in there?"
The man responded, "somebody put blanks in my gun and I had
to strangle her
to death."
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- Man & Women -
Discovery..good
- The man discovered WEAPONS and
invented HUNTING, The woman discovered HUNTING and invented
FURS.
- The man discovered COLOURS and
invented PAINT, The woman discovered PAINT and invented MAKEUP.
- The man discovered the WORD and
invented CONVERSATION, The woman discovered CONVERSATION and
invented GOSSIP.
- The man discovered GAMBLING and
invented CARDS, The woman discovered CARDS and invented
WITCHERY.
- The man discovered AGRICULTURE
and invented FOOD, The woman discovered FOOD and invented DIET.
- The man discovered FRIENDSHIP
and invented LOVE, The woman discovered LOVE and invented
MARRIAGE.
- The man discovered TRADING and
invented MONEY, The woman discovered MONEY and that's when it
all messed up..........
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- A guy's walking along the beach
in Malibu, finds a bottle, and picks it up.
A genie pops out and says, "Thanks for letting me out. For
your kindness, I
will grant you one wish."
The guy says, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I
can't because I'm
too afraid to fly and ships make me deathly sick from
claustrophobia. So my
wish is for you to build a road from here to Hawaii."
The genie says, "I'm sorry, but I don't think I can do
that. Just think of
all the work involved... think of the huge pilings we'd need to
hold up the
highway, and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom
of the
ocean. And think of all the cement that would be needed. Plus,
since it's
such a long span, there would have to be gas stations and rest
stops along
the way. No, that is just too much to ask."
The guy says, "Well, there is one other thing I've always
wanted. I'd like
to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry,
why they're
so temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with...
you know,
what makes them tick?"
The genie thinks a second, and says, "Would that road be
two lanes or four?"
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-
Between the ages
of 15 - 18 a woman is like China or Iran. Developing at a
sizzling rate with a lot of potential but > > as yet still
not free or open.
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Between the ages
of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half
discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful > > with
bushland around the fertile deltas.
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Between the ages
of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely
discovered, very well developed and open to trade, especially
with countries with cash or cars.
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Between the ages
of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and
convinced of its own beauty.
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Between the ages
of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have
been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and
desirable place to visit.
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Between the ages
of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and
is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now
necessary.
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Between the ages
of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and
the borders are practically un patrolled, but the frigid climate
keeps people away. Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like
England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but
alas no future.
-
After 70, they
become Albania or Pakistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no
one wants to go there.
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- $500 Porsche
A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye: $500
Porsche!
New! The man thought that it was very unusual to sell a Porsche
for
$500, and he thought it might be a joke, but thought it was
worth a
shot. So he went to the lady's house and sure enough, she had an
almost brand new Porsche.
"Wow!" the man said. "Can I take it for a test
drive?" Unlike what he
expected, the man found that the car ran perfectly and took it
back
to the lady's house.
"Why are you selling me this great Porsche for only
$500?"
"My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me
I could
have the house and the furniture as long as I sold his Porsche
and
sent him the money."
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- A young man who was rather
awkward and shy asked one of his older,
more experienced friends how he was always so successful with
the
ladies.
"It's easy," said the older of the two. "The
trick is to get the
conversation rolling. I always start with one of three topics;
family, food or philosophy. Any girl in the world is bound to
have
something to say on one of those subjects. And once you get her
talking it's easy from there!"
The very next night the young man had a date, but in the first
five
minutes a complete silence had fallen over the table. Finally,
remembering his friend's advice, he cleared his throat and
began,
"So, do you have a brother?"
His date replied briefly, "No."
That didn't go very well. She didn't offer any kind of follow up
information at all. Maybe he would have better luck with food.
"Ummm...so, do you like Chinese food?"
Again she replied just like before, "No."
Now he was desperate. The minutes ticked away while the young
man
racked his brains for some kind of philosophical question.
Finally he
said, "Tell me, IF you had a brother, would HE have liked
Chinese
food?"
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- ORGANIC VEGETABLES
Two men were talking one day.
"My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market
garden."
said the first man.
"So were you able to find some?" the second man,
asked.
"Well when I got to the market, I asked the gardener,
'These
vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any
poisonous
chemicals?"
"The gardener said 'No, you'll have to do that
yourself."
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- Male Language
Patterns:
"I can't find it,"
REALLY MEANS, "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands,
so I'm
completely clueless."
"That's women's work,"
REALLY MEANS, "It's dirty, difficult and thankless."
"Will you marry me?"
REALLY MEANS, "Both my roommates have moved out, I can't
find the
washer, and there is no more peanut butter."
"It's a guy thing,"
REALLY MEANS, "There is no rational thought pattern
connected with
it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?"
REALLY MEANS, "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"It would take too long to explain,"
REALLY MEANS, "I have no idea how it works."
"I'm getting more exercise lately,"
REALLY MEANS, "The batteries in the remote are dead."
"We're going to be late,"
REALLY MEANS, "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like
a maniac."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard," REALLY
MEANS, "I
can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"That's interesting, dear,"
REALLY MEANS, "Are you still talking?"
"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our
love," REALLY
MEANS, "I forgot our anniversary again."
"You expect too much of me,"
REALLY MEANS, "You want me to stay awake."
"It's really a good movie,"
REALLY MEANS, "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and naked
women."
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- POSTULATES:
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love
him a
little. - To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and
try
not to understand her at all.
Married men live longer than single men, - but married men are a
lot
more willing to go.
Any married man should forget his mistakes, - there's no use in
two
people remembering the same thing.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
- A
man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she
does.
A woman has the last word in any argument. - Anything a man says
after that is the beginning of a new argument.
There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before
marriage and after marriage.
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- "A Women's Little
Instruction Book"
** Woman don't make fools of men -- most of them are the
do-it-yourself types.
** The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason: you're
sick of him.
** Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He probably
lies
about other things too.
** The woman's work that is never done is the stuff she asked
her
husband to do.
** If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach
you're aiming too high.
** Go for younger men. You might as well -- they never mature
anyway.
** A man who can dress himself without looking like Wurzel
Gummidge
is unquestionably gay.
** Men are all the same -- they just have different faces so you
can
tell them apart.
** Definition of a man with manners -- he gets out of the bath
to pee.
** Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you
will
usually find that he is.
** Scientists have just discovered something that can do the
work of
five men -- a woman.
** There are a lot of words you can use to describe men --
strong,
caring, loving -- they'd be wrong but you could still use them.
** Men are like animals -- messy, insensitive and potentially
violent
-- but they make great pets.
** There are only two four letter words that are offensive to
men -
"don't" and "stop".
** Husbands are like children -- they're fine if they're someone
else's
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