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- Baseball for Scotsmen
A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game
in his new country and after a base hit he hears the fans
roaring "Run....run!"
The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the
Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick
accent: "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!"
A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously
pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams:
"R-r-run
ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!"
The next batter held his swing at three and two and as the
ump calls a walk. The Scotsman stands up yelling:
"R-r-run
ya Bahstard, r-r-run!" All the surrounding fans chuckle
quietly
and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his
embarrassment whispers, "He doesn't have to run, he got
four balls."
"Walk with pr-r-ride man!"
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- An Irishman's been drinking
at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar
is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls
flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same
result. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh
air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands
up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 4
blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door, he
stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the
door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one
more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself
upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound
asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. He awakens the
next morning to his wife standing over him shouting loudly.
"So, you've been out drinking again!!" "What
makes you say that?" He asks as he puts on an innocent
look. "The pub called, you left your wheelchair there
again."
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- THE IRISH EGO
Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering
who to invade
next when his telephone rang. "Hallo! Mr.
Hussein," a heavily
accented voice said. "This is Paddy down in County
Cavan, Ireland. I
am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring
war on
you!" "Well, Paddy," Saddam
replied, "This is indeed important
news! Tell me, how big is your army?" "At this moment in time,"
said Paddy after a moment's calculation, "there is
myself, my cousin
Sean, my next door neighbour Gerry, and the entire dominoes
team from
the pub -- that makes 8!" Saddam sighed.
"I must tell you Paddy
that I have 1 million men in my army waiting to move on my
command."
"Begorra!", said Paddy, "I'll have to
ring you back!" Sure
enough, the next day Paddy rang back. "Right Mr.
Hussein, the war is
still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!"
"And what
equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked.
"Well, we have 2
combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Murphy's tractor from
the farm."
Once more Saddam sighed. "I must tell you,
Paddy, that I have 16
thousand tanks, 14 thousand armoured personnel carriers, and
my army
has increased to 1 and a half million since we last
spoke."
"Really?!" said Paddy "I'll have to
ring you back!" Sure enough,
Paddy rang again the next day. "Right Mr. Hussein, the
war is still
on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've
modified Ted's
ultra-light with a couple of rifles in the cockpit and the
bridge
team has joined us as well!" Saddam was
silent for a minute, then
sighed. "I must tell you Paddy that I have 10 thousand
bombers, 20
thousand MiG 19 attack planes, my military complex is
surrounded by
laser-guided surface-to-air missile sites, and since we last
spoke,
my army has increased to 2 million." "Faith and
begorra!", said
Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back. Sure
enough, Paddy called again
the next day. "Right Mr. Hussein, I am sorry to tell
you that we have
had to call off the war." "I'm sorry
to hear that" said Saddam.
"Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," said Paddy "We've all
had a chat, and there's no way we can feed 2 million
prisoners."
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